Separation Anxiety and How You Can Help

At the August 25 and August 27 parent orientation sessions, Kathy Logan and Katie Tise led a discussion about separation anxiety that young children often experience when starting school.  The also provided a handout with the information below:

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Some children experience fear or panic when they think about going to school in the morning.  These children may tell their parents that they feel nauseous or have a headache, or may exaggerate minor physical complaints as an excuse not to go to school.  When school refusal is anxiety-related, allowing the child to stay home only worsens the symptoms over time, and getting the child back into school as quickly as possible is one fo the factors that is associated with more positive outcomes.

Here are some things parents can do to help:

• Children may be at more risk for separation anxiety if they are tired or hungry, so be sure to stick to a bedtime and breakfast routine.  Rituals offer predictability and help kids feel secure.
• Do not deny the child’s anxiety or worries, but acknowledge them and reassure him/her.  For example, “I know you’re worried I won’t be there to pick you up, but there’s no reason to worry. I’ll be there.”
• Try to find ways to enable the child to go to school.  For example, a child is likely to feel reassured if times are set for him or her to call the mother from school.  In extreme cases, mothers may stay with the chilid in school, but for a specified length of time which is gradually reduced.
• Punishment does not work, but kind, consistent, rational pressure and encouragement do.  Also, never make fun of a child’s distress.
• Allowing the child to take a “transition object” from home, such as a “lovie,” a special sticker from the parent or token may serve as a reminder of the parents’ love and bond.
• Do not quiz the child about why s/he feels scared.  The child often does not know why.  By not being able to provide an explanation, in addition to being anxious, the child feels guilty about not making sense of what is happening.  Better to acknowledge that the fears make no sense and that the child has to fight them.
• Be open to hearing about how your child feels.  However, lengthy discussions about the child’s problems are not always helpful and can be experienced as a burden by the child.  The focus must always be that you want to help your child be free of worries and fears.
• A child’s reluctance to go to school can be irritating to parents.  Expressing resentment and anger is counterproductive.  And you won’t feel the urge to do so if you adopt specific strategies to assist your child.
• Prepare the child, read books, answer questions, limit scary TV.  Make shopping for school supplies fun.
• Focus on positive experiences from the past (staying with a relative, daycare, etc.), tell the child ahead of time what to expect and stick with the plan.
• Do not prolong your departure or come back several times.  Also, say goodbye in an assertive, happy voice.  It’s important that you show confidence about leaving the child, do not sneak away.  Expect your child to be more tired or irritable the first few weeks of school.

Adapted from Dr. Rachel Klein of the NYU Child Study Center